Updated 06/19/14
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and
Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge
banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this
case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client
says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.."
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A man in New York City decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San
Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in
fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor
and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Chicago, Milwaukee, and
around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally he arrived in the lovely hill country of Austin, Texas Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual
golden telephone. BUT THIS time the sign read, "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
"Father, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone and have
been told it is a direct line to Heaven and could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a
minute.
Your sign reads 25 cents a call. "Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now, and it's a local call."
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and
limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV
drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising
Jesus...Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi
looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge
banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this
case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client
says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man in New York City decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San
Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in
fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor
and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Chicago, Milwaukee, and
around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally he arrived in the lovely hill country of Austin, Texas Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual
golden telephone. BUT THIS time the sign read, "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.
"Father, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone and have
been told it is a direct line to Heaven and could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a
minute.
Your sign reads 25 cents a call. "Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now, and it's a local call."
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and
limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV
drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that
bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising
Jesus...Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi
looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
1. A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out, but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"
Still nothing...and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing and smoking." Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said... "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
2. I needed some supplies from a Sunday School cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
3. An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
4. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samsom had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!", to which is father replied, "Yes, you're right, and they also WALKED every where they went!"
5. On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside Heaven’s gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder. “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground! "What’s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer!?"
6. A small child with a bad cough was taken by her parents to a hospital emergency room. A nurse, examining the child's lungs with a stethoscope, told the child, "I have to see if Barney is in there." "I have Jesus in my heart," the child replied. "Barney is on my underwear."
7. The story goes that a certain court jester went too far one day and insulted his king. The king became so infuriated that he sentenced the jester to be executed. His court prayed upon the king to have mercy for this man who had served him well for so many years. After a time, the king relented only enough to give the jester his "choice" as to how he would like to die. True to form, the jester replied, "if it's all the same to you my Lord, I'd like to die of old age."
The Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door
as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door
as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't "see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A Sunday school teacher said to her children,
"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
It was 5:00 a.m and the father went to his son Shawn's bedroom door, knocked and said,
"Son, it's time to get up. Jump in the shower and we've got to leave ASAP to catch any fish." Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished
packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn't up. Furious the dad pounded on his son's bedroom door a second time and yelled,
"Jesus rose from the dead and you can't even get out of Bed!" To which the son replies, "Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!!"
"Son, it's time to get up. Jump in the shower and we've got to leave ASAP to catch any fish." Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished
packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn't up. Furious the dad pounded on his son's bedroom door a second time and yelled,
"Jesus rose from the dead and you can't even get out of Bed!" To which the son replies, "Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!!"